Thursday, July 8, 2010
"Thank you all for coming tonight. Special thanks to my sponsors, Rubbadub Latex Gloves Inc. and ShankRite Scalpel Ltd.
After considering all my options I have decided to remain here in Cleveland, Ohio for the prime years of my surgical career. Numerous suitors have approached me over the past 6 months and, frankly, my soul has been wracked by guilt and self-doubt. It's been incredibly humbling. There was the practice in South Beach which offered to provide authentic Shojo Zen back massages during all my laparoscopic cases, while maintaining a steady stream of polysymphonic chill music in the background. There was the group outside Georgia that promised I could operate barefoot (or flip flops at the most) and would never have to wear a tie while in the hospital. And then of course the practice in Omaha that told me they would install a miniature indoor soccer field in my office. And how could I forget the hospital group in Poughkeepsie that told me I would be allotted ten minutes to rifle through all the anesthesiologist's wallets in the locker room between my own cases without reprisal (security cameras turned off, my call) and wad whatever I could gather into my scrub pockets. Again, I was profoundly moved by what others would willing to do to acquire my services. The temptation to leave snowy, decayed, broken-down, riddled with crime and unemployment Cleveland was high.
But I've always been about winning. Perks have no effect on me. I am a winner. I don't take out gallbladders for the reimbursement. I don't come in at three in the morning for an incarcerated hernia just to fill out sixteen duplicate copies of Medicare forms. No. It's about winning, baby. Conquering that diverticular stricture. Whacking out that burst appendix in record time. Victory. Glory. It all awaits me here on the shores of Lake Erie. I can smell it."
/taped delayed interview of above transcript available on local cable access channel 324 on August 23rd.
/screw you Lebron