Thursday, July 8, 2010

Decision



"Thank you all for coming tonight. Special thanks to my sponsors, Rubbadub Latex Gloves Inc. and ShankRite Scalpel Ltd.

After considering all my options I have decided to remain here in Cleveland, Ohio for the prime years of my surgical career. Numerous suitors have approached me over the past 6 months and, frankly, my soul has been wracked by guilt and self-doubt. It's been incredibly humbling. There was the practice in South Beach which offered to provide authentic Shojo Zen back massages during all my laparoscopic cases, while maintaining a steady stream of polysymphonic chill music in the background. There was the group outside Georgia that promised I could operate barefoot (or flip flops at the most) and would never have to wear a tie while in the hospital. And then of course the practice in Omaha that told me they would install a miniature indoor soccer field in my office. And how could I forget the hospital group in Poughkeepsie that told me I would be allotted ten minutes to rifle through all the anesthesiologist's wallets in the locker room between my own cases without reprisal (security cameras turned off, my call) and wad whatever I could gather into my scrub pockets. Again, I was profoundly moved by what others would willing to do to acquire my services. The temptation to leave snowy, decayed, broken-down, riddled with crime and unemployment Cleveland was high.

But I've always been about winning. Perks have no effect on me. I am a winner. I don't take out gallbladders for the reimbursement. I don't come in at three in the morning for an incarcerated hernia just to fill out sixteen duplicate copies of Medicare forms. No. It's about winning, baby. Conquering that diverticular stricture. Whacking out that burst appendix in record time. Victory. Glory. It all awaits me here on the shores of Lake Erie. I can smell it."

/taped delayed interview of above transcript available on local cable access channel 324 on August 23rd.

/screw you Lebron

9 comments:

Sergiu said...

Good for you.

Do whatever you feel is right. On the long run you will not regret it.

Keep up the good work!

Frank Drackman said...

C'mon Buckeye, why would anyone with options stay in Ohio, much less Cleveland??
And eventhough you've got the Rock n Roll Museum how many Rock Stars actually live in Cleveland?? Bueller?? Bueller??
Atlanta's got Elton John, Usher, Ludacris, Indigo Girls, Collective Soul, Julia Roberts, Jane Fonda, and everyones favorite Train Wreck, Whitney Houston.
You've got Drew Carey.

Oh yeah, and CC Sabithia...

Buck up, Buckeye, you've still got the Browns...

Frank

tom said...

Too funny, I doubt that LJ would get the sarcasm

Kellie said...

Yep. Agreed.

Frank Drackman said...

So $126,000,000 wasn't enough to get Lebron to stay in Cleveland for 5 more years??? Or $30 million more than he'll make in Florida.
Sounds like a Cleveland problem...
Face it, your named after an obscure 19th Century President, You haven't won a World Series since before Truman beat Dewey, you've never been in a Superbowl, and get this, never even HOSTED a Superbowl cause they want people to show up for the game.
And even after the Browns died a peaceful death they were brought back to life in what I'm sure is some CIA/Dick Chaney experiment to see how long saps will keep following a losing Football Team...

Well you've still got LOSER Big LOSER 10 LOSER(11? 12?) LOSER Foot LOSER Ball.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Frank

Anonymous said...

shankrite scalpels: for all your shanking needs

Anonymous said...

Lebron James went south because his mom went West as in Delonte West

Anonymous said...

Ahh, the mistake by the lake...or is that Buffalo?

Frank Drackman said...

"Mistake by the Lake" was Cleveland's old Stadium, where they filmed "Major League" and where the Browns played nearly 50 years without ever playing in or even Hosting a Super Bowl, unless you wanta count the 2000 Baltimore Ravens who used to be the Browns till they moved to Baltimore in 1996

Frank